Bittersweet
by TeamAlphaQ
Summary: This isn't hate, but it's hateful. This isn't lust, but they need it so bad. This can't be love because how could love be so twisted and broken. It's angry and desperate, bittersweet at the best of times but they can't let it go because someday, they might figure out what it is. Slash, Shizaya, One-shot.


**A/N: This was requested a long time ago. I wrote it, I finished it, but I didn't post it. I had my reasons and I stand by them but... my mind was changed. Also, It's Izaya's birthday and I wanted to post something for it.**

 **So here it is sherryfanfic1999, I hope you enjoy it!**

 **And I hope the rest of you enjoy it as well.**

 _This_ is hate.

When the ashtray shatters against the wall by Izaya's head and the echoes of Shizuo's roar fades. _Get out of my life!_ Like he hasn't shouted those words a million times before. This whole scene is too familiar, the shattered glass, too routine. It's not his fault Izaya infuriates him, it's not his fault he's snapped again.

But by the curl of Izaya's lip, Shizuo knows the raven blames him. Blood dribbles from the thin jagged cut above his right eye but Izaya makes no move to wipe it away. The blank look on Izaya's face can't hide the hatred and it certainly can't hide the wavering resolve. "If you want me to leave Shizu-chan, just say so." He lifts his chin. "Believe me, I'd be happy to oblige."

Shizuo knows he should just let Izaya leave. All they do is fight, all they do is fester. The only thing holding them together is the hatred they profess to have and the pain they always carry. There is nothing here that's sweet or kind or healthy. In the end, all they have is anger.

But that doesn't stop Shizuo from storming forward and slamming Izaya against the door he'd tried to open, dragging their bodies together till there isn't any room left for what they both want to forget. Izaya's dead eyes rekindle as he gives in all too easily. The truth is, neither of them has ever wanted to leave, it's all just a twisted game. Shizuo hates this, hates _him,_ hates that he can't throw Izaya out of his life forever.

Hates the burning smirk on Izaya's lips that's all teeth and always fake.

Hates how he drags Izaya's head forward and devours his lips like it's an addiction. Shizuo's tried to kick it, he's tried to get away, he doesn't know why he fails, he only knows that this is going to kill him eventually. Whatever _this_ is, he needs it.

Izaya's shudders have him drunk, his cries have him drowning. No doubt he's going crazy because what else could explain this? Everything is too close, the room is too hot, the lights are too dim, it's all too much. Shizuo feels like he's being incinerated from the inside out. The flea tastes like coffee and spice, like anger and desire and Shizuo can't help but reciprocate roughly, shoving his tongue down Izaya's throat, pressing his body against the door.

"Monster," Izaya pants, face flushed visibly even in the low light. That damn coat is hiked up around his waist and his jeans are falling low on his hips like he's just _begging_ to be broken. "Go ahead," he hisses. " _Ruin_ me."

 _You have no idea what that means._ Shizuo thinks it, but never says a word.

It's scary how little control he has when it comes to Izaya. There's no holding back, there's nothing gentle about the way Shizuo treats him. All that rage translates into rough bites and violent movements. He knows Izaya can take it though, he's the only one who ever could. The man beneath him twists and writhes in pleasure that borders on agony. Izaya's lids are half closed but Shizuo can see the vindictive smirk in his clouded gaze. It's smothering, angry, burning and that's all it will ever be.

Oh, they both know it's bad, but it always feels so good. It doesn't have to be this way, it could be something else, but Shizuo isn't willing to let that happen.

Maybe, it's because he's terrified that if he falls off this razor's edge, he'll lose Izaya for good and the flea won't come back. Whenever he throws Izaya against the wall, Shizuo knows he's crushing something else, a piece of himself he refuses to understand. He'll probably kill it before he ever accepts what it is. That's fine though, that's okay.

The only one who's forced Shizuo into this position is himself.

So he just drinks in Izaya's breathy moans and lets himself get lost in that creamy skin and that lithe body because it's so much easier than the alternative.

The room finally falls silent and it's startling, how fast the anger drains away. Only Izaya's harsh breaths are left, that and the tell-tale pounding of their hearts. Reality narrows and Shizuo feels like if he reaches out now, maybe he'll finally break through that fragile barrier that keeps pushing him back. But then Izaya's knees buckle and the spell is broken as Shizuo reaches out to catch him.

Clinging to Shizuo's neck, keeping himself from melting to the glass-strewn floor, Izaya murmurs, "You can't stay away." It's a taunting reminder, an iron accusation.

It's the truth.

Drawing Izaya's tired form close to his chest, Shizuo mutters, "Yeah, but neither can you."

No, this isn't hate

It's something else entirely.

~•~

 _This_ is lust.

When the stench of blood rises off Izaya's skin like a string of bad choices he keeps on making. _Who are you to pretend you care?_ Like he hasn't spat that phrase at Shizuo a thousand times before. This whole pattern is too predictable, the fire in Shizuo's eyes, too dangerous. It's not his problem Shizuo keeps reaching out, it's not his problem he doesn't need the help.

But by the quickly morphing emotion in Shizuo's gaze, Izaya knows he's played with fire one too many times. Smoke travels up from the cigarette burning the beast's knuckles but he makes no move to put it out. The grayish fog can't hide the anger and it doesn't even begin to cover the frustration. "What exactly are you looking for from me?" he growls. "Do you want me to just hurt you?"

Izaya knows he should say something. All the silence does is damn him, all it does is seal his fate. The only thing holding Shizuo back is the darkness in Izaya's eyes and the emotions they always deny. There's nothing here but the unhealthy desires they can't shake and the bruises on Izaya's thighs. In the end, the fight isn't worth it.

But that doesn't stop Izaya from sneering at the other man and instantly surrendering when Shizuo pushes him into a corner, trapping Izaya's throat under one of his large hands. Shizuo's bitter gaze darkens as he bruises Izaya's neck too easily. The truth is, Izaya will never stop trying to bait Shizuo, even when it ends in him getting choked against a wall. Izaya wants this, wants _him_ , wants to be defiled and claimed by Shizuo's calloused hands.

Wants to forget all the pain that burns in his chest and claws at his stomach.

Wants Shizuo to do more than just leave him on the rug where the beast has tossed him. Izaya's tried to leave this, tried to forget how much it burns, he doesn't know why it keeps him here, he only knows that if he left Shizuo it would kill him. Whatever _this_ is, he needs it.

Shizuo's body is scorching as he covers Izaya, abusive as he takes and doesn't give back. Doubtless, he's losing it because why else does he love the pain? Everything is too angry, the rug is too worn, the air is too thick, it's all too much. Izaya feels like Shizuo is trying to imprint himself onto the raven's mind. The beast tastes like cigarettes and sugar, too sweet for something so cold but that only encourages Izaya to leave long scratches in Shizuo's back and to moan when Shizuo's teeth sink into his shoulder.

"Flea," Shizuo snarls, golden eyes blazing even through his lustful rage. His hair falls in his face and his teeth are bared, like he's forcing Izaya to submit to him. "Is this it?" he spits. "Is this what you wanted?"

 _I want every bit of your anger and rage._ Izaya thinks it, but he's too far gone to say a word.

It's frightening how good it feels when Shizuo tries to break him like this. Gone are the stupid feelings Izaya hates exist, gone is the hurt look in Shizuo's eyes. All there is here is their tangled groans rising to the ceiling and the slap of skin against skin. It doesn't matter, this is all Izaya lets himself have. Anything more is too scary, anything else is a mountain he can't climb. Shizuo's lips consume all those emotions Izaya keeps suppressing and his hands let him pretend this is all he wants It's raw, bruising, empty and that's all it will ever be.

Izaya doesn't understand Shizuo's thoughts, the only time Shizuo understands him is when he's on the floor. It doesn't have to stay this way, it could become something else, but Izaya is too scared to let that happen.

Maybe, it's because he knows if he does try to understand, he won't be able to stop falling, he'll lose to Shizuo for real and the beast will kill him. Whenever he lets Shizuo screw him into the floor, Izaya knows he's breaking himself apart, crushing something he doesn't want to affect him. He'll probably suffocate before he accepts his own emotions. That's fine though, that's okay.

The only one who's driven Izaya to the edge is himself.

So he just tilts his head back and welcomes Shizuo's teeth at his throat, letting himself drown in the pleasure in his blood and the fire in his mind. This surrender is so much easier than fighting for his own well-being.

The harshness of the rug finally vanishes and it's relieving, how gentle Shizuo's arms are now. Only once he feels the soft sheets of Shizuo's bed does Izaya open his eyes and try to move. For a moment, through the agony that accompanies his struggles, Izaya is sure he sees true concern in Shizuo's eyes and he wonders if he reciprocates, what will happen. But then Shizuo tightens his grip on Izaya's sore body and buries his face in the raven's hair so Izaya can't be sure if he saw it at all.

Puffing out a small breath against Izaya's head, avoiding brushing up against the worst of the marks he's left all over Izaya's body, Shizuo grumbles, "You have no idea how I feel." It's a rueful remark, a bitter aside.

It's the truth.

Huddling closer to Shizuo and tangling his aching legs with the beast's, Izaya reminds him, "Yeah, but you don't understand me either."

No, this isn't lust.

It's something else entirely.

~•~

This _isn't_ love.

When the echoes of his yell are thrown back at him from the walls and the hallway seems to stretch on forever. _It's for the best if we_ _stop this, Shizu-chan_. Like he'd wanted things to end like this. The game feels so worn, the emotions in his heart, too painful. It's his fault things keep getting screwed up, it's his fault Izaya finally said he'd had enough.

But by the cold clawing at his insides, Shizuo knows he has to do something. Curses spew from his mouth but he makes no move to quiet them. The anger can't hide the pain and it certainly can't conceal the fear that grips him. "Izaya, don't do this to me," he roars, not caring which of Izaya's neighbors hear. "You can't just shut me out like this."

Shizuo knows he shouldn't push it like this. It's three in the morning and he's going mad, all this does is drive him insane. The only thing holding him together is the pressure in his head and the desperate fire in his eyes. There's something here that is powerful and compelling that keeps pulling him back. In the end, all he wants to do is stop.

But that only encourages Shizuo into running down the hallways of Izaya's impersonal highrise and pounding on the door to the man's apartment, crushing his heart when there's no reply. Izaya's door gives in as Shizuo forces it open too easily and slams it closed with too much rage. The truth is, Shizuo will never stop coming back to Izaya, even when the man glares at him from the center of his dark apartment. Shizuo _doesn't_ love this, doesn't love _him,_ doesn't love the way Izaya's eyes fill with the same emotions that pound in his chest.

Shouldn't love the way Izaya reaches for him, his eyes dark and sleepless.

Can't help but love the feeling of Izaya's body pressed against his own. Shizuo's tried to forget this, tried to forget how good it feels, but his heart doesn't listen to him when he's thinking straight, and Izaya never learns that this game is going to kill them both. Whatever this is, they both want it.

Izaya's whispered words of apology take more out of him than the insults, the stupid promises all feel like lies. No doubt they're both crazy because why else would they be letting this happen? Everything is too loaded, the emotions are too real, the mistakes are too frequent, it's all too much. Shizuo feels like they've finally reached their breaking point and the only thing keeping them here are the words that neither of them have the guts to say.

Izaya's lips taste like raw pain when he finally finds them, like desperation and cowardice and Shizuo knows he probably tastes just the same, like addiction and need as he pulls Izaya in tighter, fighting to be gentle when all they've ever had is rough.

"Shizu-chan," Izaya whispers, eyes dark with sadness and heavy with the lack of sleep. His breath comes in short stuttered breaths and his mouth is parted in a silent plea for this to never end. The helplessness in his movements is just begging for Shizuo to understand. "Are we really doing this again?" he asks. "Are you just going to leave in the morning?"

 _We can't ever say it, can we?_ Shizuo thinks it, but he can't quite push the bitter words out of his mouth.

It's terrifying how easy it is just to relapse back into this, scattering papers all over the floor as Shizuo pushes Izaya over the man's desk. Reality narrows into this one moment, all the pain and broken pieces are forgotten as their movements get more desperate. All they have is a similar self-loathing that comes out in the frantic way they move together. They'll take it though, Shizuo can't picture ever getting anything else and Izaya can't give anything more.

The raven-haired man arches under his touch and murmurs sporadically in Shizuo's ear. Izaya's hair brushes his neck as he cries out and his fingers dig into the blond's back as Shizuo pulls the man closer and tries to drown out the ringing in his mind. It's hateful, lustful, and needy but that's not what they want it to be.

It doesn't matter, there aren't any candles here or soft touches and whisper soft kisses. It will always stay this way, it'll never become something else because there wasn't a fire there to begin with. They're just too stubborn to ever let go.

Maybe, it's because Shizuo can feel the emotions coursing through their bodies when they're pressed together like this, skin against skin. All of it, it means something terrifying that hides in the darkness behind all this want and rage. Whenever they push each other away it's the thing that pulls them back together. Shizuo knows that he's burying it again, the thing that Izaya hides as well. They'll probably deny it forever rather than take a chance and risk it being true. It's not fine though, it's not okay.

But the only ones they can never tell the truth to is themselves.

So they just tumble towards the edge together, taking everything that they want from each other because they don't know how to give back. This bittersweet pleasure keeps them together and it's so much easier than being alone.

The desperation finally drains away entirely and it's painful, how familiar this moment really is. Only this time, something shifts as Izaya drags Shizuo in for one more kiss, awkward and tentative like he's asking a question. The world softens as Shizuo responds with something like fear and maybe like an answer, the kind he can't put in words. Then Izaya pulls away and his swollen lips drop down into a somber smile.

Holding Izaya's thin form tightly as he carries him out of the wide, cold living room and towards Izaya's bedroom, breathing softly like if he doesn't the delicate understanding might be destroyed, Shizuo mutters, "I know this isn't healthy, but I need you." It's a hushed prayer, a record on repeat.

It's the truth.

Turning away from Shizuo's face like he doesn't want the blond to see him, Izaya responds, "Yeah, it's damaging, but I need this too."

It's twisted and broken, unrecognizable to most.

But in the end, it's love.

 **A/N: I don't write happy stories...**


End file.
